At an interview tonight I was asked if I had some last minute thoughts, or words of wisdom, or life mantra. I have to admit that I drew a blank. I have to wonder, do I have any convictions that I am holding dear anymore? The best I could come up with was ‘don’t be a jerk.’ Makes sense. Sort of sums up everything. Though I suppose jerk could be defined in a number of ways and one persons jerk is another persons hero, but you know, it’s a catch all sort of guideline.

But what should I say? Treat others how you want to be treated…something about peace and love and all of that other nonsense? Do I discuss my wishes of some sort of half apocalyptic ending to it all where life comes down to a matter of survival, quite literally? Then really do I want that? Do I want anything more than what everyone else does? Now my thoughts seem to be leading towards home purchases and job security. That and what bars are fun to hang out in and where I might be traveling next. I suppose I have entered a life that I always use to shun. There I was, acting as if I was better than everyone though I didn’t have a self sustaining bone in my body. At least I support myself. I can do things I want to. I can take on challenges without having to find someone to bail me out. I should be proud of that, right?

But then why do I feel so ashamed?

Why do I find myself constantly thinking and worrying about things that others around me don’t even understand? I think I am still stuck in a mind set of college – where my surroundings justified my existence and it was almost as if I had followers who listened to my every word. I suppose I yearn for that? I want to be the leader of some cult with the ability to control…only problem is I would figure out someway to ensure its destruction before I even reached my pinnacle of power. I have discovered I am good at burning bridges and tearing things apart. I like to make myself the enemy of others. I suppose so I have something to fight against, or someone, or a goal to be working from? Maybe its just a matter of fictitious worlds that lie within the breaches of my mind. Maybe it’s the beginnings of a mental disorder that will creep its way about my life as I continue to progress further. Maybe my reality is nothing at all but creation after creation.  I find that I do my best work when I don’t think about anything at all. My eyes roll back, my mind goes blank, a little haze descends, and out comes the world.

Maybe if I just keep telling myself something is one way then it will be. And maybe I am ok with that.

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